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Elephant eating a whole pumpkin.

Fruits and Vegetables
by David Klein, Ph.D.

"Ask your doctor today about Fruits and Vegetables. They might be right for you."

Information about Fruits and Vegetables

Fruits and Vegetables are taken orally when hunger is present. Take Fruits and Vegetables only as directed, preferably in their raw, natural, uncooked state, three to six times daily as needed. Fruits and Vegetables along with breathing, sunshine, exercise, rest, sleep, play, laughter and other factors work synergistically to achieve vibrant health with a youthful sense of well-being.

Regular defecation, expectoration of old wastes, faster healing, loss of excess body fat, increased energy, libido, muscle flexibility, vitality, clearer eyes, eyesight, thinking ability and skin, more lustrous hair, joyfulness and sex-appeal.

One should have a complete medical history and exam to determine if Fruits and Vegetables are right for you. Contraindications include: fruitophobia and vegephobia. There are many medications that are known to negate the efficacy of Fruits and Vegetables, so be sure to tell your doctor about all medications you are taking, including nonprescription drugs. Avoid alcohol intake, as it may aggravate side effects of Fruits and Vegetables. In order to avoid sprains and other injuries when rising to jump and dance around from a seated or lying position, get up slowly. The elderly may be more sensitive to the side effects of Fruits and Vegetables; therefore, caution is advised in this group.

None known; however, before eating Fruits and Vegetables consult your doctor about all nonprescription and prescription medication you may use, and ask him or her if you can reduce your dosages with the goal of eliminating them forever.

Store Fruits and Vegetables at room temperature between 59 and 86 degrees F or in paper bags in your refrigerator for longer keeping. Keep Fruits and Vegetables within the reach of children.Fruit Monkey

When grown in fertile, remineralized soil, Fruits and Vegetables amply furnish every nutrient that we require for optimum health. Fruits and Vegetables were eaten almost exclusively by humanoids before the dawn of recorded history, helping homo sapiens to develop into the superb beings they are in their natural state.Since adopting omnivorous eating habits, homo sapiens have been plagued by degenerative diseases and cruel, destructive behavior.After adopting a diet of raw Fruits and Vegetables, countless modern human beings have reversed physical degeneration, completely overcome many disease conditions and gone on to experience complete physical and mental rejuvenation. Worldwide, the increased consumption of Fruits for breakfast and lunch, followed by Vegetable salads with a portion of avocado, seeds or nuts for dinner, has instigated outbreaks of a new condition known to medical science as "health."

Ask your doctor today about Fruits and Vegetables. They might be right for you.

Smiling Water melon

To calm down a growing number of apparently horrified Australian, the Food Authority of the state of New South Wales issued a statement assuring people that meat in their refrigerators that appears to glow in the dark is actually harmless. Said the authority’s director, the light-emitting bacteria responsible for the glow “is not known to cause food poisoning” and, actually, is naturally present in most meats and fish.

–From Real News Collected by Chuck Shepherd

On a list of former jobs held by celebrities, it was noted that comedian Jerry Lewis was once a soda jerk. He was fired after putting an unpeeled banana in a banana split.

Legal Eagle Eats Crow

A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Proboscos MonkeyJUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it.

I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

Fifteen minutes go by and the judge returns.

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

A cat spying on a squirrel.

Top 21 Raw Food Rock Bands

1. The Beetles
2. The Fruitful Dead
3. The Almond Brothers Band
4. The Detox Blues Band
5. Pearl Onion Jam
6. Tangerine Dream
7. The Red Hot Chili Peppers
8. Durian Durian
9. Sushi and the Banshees
10. Chuck Berry
11. Raw Oyster Cult
12. The FuGees
13. The Traveling Mulberries
14. Smashing Pumpkins
15. Bananarama
16. The Cranberries
17. The Jackfruit Five
18. Jefferson Starfruit
19. Ambrosia
20. Nirvana
21. The Raw Passion Band

Dog dressed in soccer clothes.

The Meaning of Life
by Cukey Sapodillo

The American businessman was at an outdoor fresh food market at a coastal Costa Rican farm village when a small truck with filled with boxes of fruit pulled up. The American complimented the driver on the quality of his fruit and asked how long it took to pick it all. The Costa Rican farmer replied, only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he pick more fruit? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Costa Rican farmer said, "I sleep late, tend to the orchard, pick fruit, have lunch, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should pick more fruit, plant more trees, spend more time farming and with the proceeds, buy a bigger orchard, and with the proceeds from the bigger orchard you could buy several orchards. Eventually you would have a fleet of trucks. Instead of selling your harvest at fruit stalls in small villages you would sell directly to city markets, and eventually open your own fruit exporting business. You would control the product and distribution."

Let's Do Lunch"You would need to hire orchard and distribution managers, leave this small coastal village and move to San Jose, then Mexico City, then Los Angles, then New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Costa Rican farmer asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said: "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal farming village where you would sleep late, tend to your orchard, pick fruit, have lunch, play with your grandchildren, take siestas with your wife, stroll into the village each evening and play guitar with your amigos.

Moose and CatWe’re wondering....

  • Does the Little Mermaid wear an algaebra?

  • If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?

  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  • Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna.
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.


Hamster eating a carrot.


I bought a durian a few days ago, opened it, enjoyed and went for a walk. When I came back the doorman was on the intercom calling everyone on my floor to check stoves--"there is a major gas leak on the third floor!" I got on the elevator laughing my head off. My neighbors smelled the durian and reported a gas leak!!!
I guess if I want to enjoy durians I've got to buy me a house first :-)

- Submitted by Marina Gassar, New York City

Kangaroo with a bird on its head.Mahatma Gandhi

It is well known that Mahatma Gandhi rarely wore shoes and made many long journeys throughout India barefoot. This of course gave him very tough pads on the bottoms of his feet.

It is also well documented that he frequently went on lengthy hunger strikes for non-violence and civil disobedience, and that these prolonged fasts often left him weakened, and even near death, on a number of occasions.

What is less widely known is that his rigorous life-style and dramatic dietary shifts caused him to have horribly bad smelling breath.So, what we have here is a...............Super Callused Fragile Mystic with Extreme Halitosis.

KittyPop N. Fresh

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, in the oven.

Modern Genesis
(from Living Nutrition Magazine vol. 9)

Raging AppleIn the beginning God created Heaven and Earth. And the Earth was without form, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

And God said, "Let the Earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding nut," and God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

Bokchoy FishAnd God said, "Let us make Woman and Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them share the Earth's abundance with the fish of the sea, the fowl of the air, the primates of the trees, the cats of the jungles, and the cattle of the plains. And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the Earth with luscious Fruits of the tree and vine, green and yellow Vegetables of all kinds, and nuts and seeds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil said, "I don't like the way this game is going." And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize please." And Man gained 10 pounds. And Woman too.

And God created the low-fat yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth Godiva Chocolate. And Woman gained 20 more pounds and PMS.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 20 more pounds and worse PMS.

PopeyeAnd God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy fruits and vegetables, and avocado, nuts and seeds with which to make healthful salad dressings."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 20 more pounds and his cholesterol went through the roof.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the Cuisinart for making veggie slaws.

And the Devil said to Man, "Make potato chips and deep-fat fry them." And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman dragged Man to the marriage counselor.

And Woman took unto herself more comfort food. And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help. And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod.

I yam what I yam!And nothing worked for man and Woman, until one day when God brought forth Living Nutrition Magazine. And Woman read about Elegant Raw Food Cuisine with Nomi Shannon and Cherie Soria. And Woman read The Raw Gourmet, Angel Foods, Living in the Raw, The High Energy Diet, The Garden of Eden Raw Fruit & Vegetable Recipes, and Living Nutrition's Favorite Alive Raw Food Recipes. And Woman dragged Man to raw food classes.

And Man and Woman ate fresh fruit for breakfast, salads for lunch and dinner, and cookies made of raw figs, carob, almond butter and honey. And Man and Woman junked their stove, went 100% raw, Woman became PMS-free, they lost their excess fat, rejuvenated, moved to the country, planted grand gardens and orchards, and lived in joyful abundance.

And twice each year man and Woman went to raw food jamborees which grew and grew in popularity. And raw foodism became mainstream. And cooked food became history.

And God saw that it was good.

And the Devil tried a mango and liked it.

And Earth was restored to Eden.


Cat in a bowl

Our beloved Simba: The Raw Kitty Cat

Simba the Raw Kitty enjoying his avocado dinner....really!


Clyde meets his daily requirement for apples
Sebastopol, CA


Gypsy Boots

America's original raw fooder and Hollywood health legend, Gypsy Boots at age 85.

Gypsy sings:
"I'm a Gypsy Boots
I live on nuts and Fruits
I live in a cave
I never shave
I'm a Gypsy Boots!"

For more Gypsy Boots photos, click here

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© David Klein, Ph.D. World rights reserved.
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Information in Living Nutrition and Vibrance is presented solely for health education purposes.
We are educators, we do not diagnose or give medical advice.
The publisher and contributors are not responsible for the actions of the readers.
The readers are advised to educate themselves, take full responsibility for their actions and health,
and when health guidance is needed, seek out the services of qualified health professionals.